Awkward, stumbling mess

Typically these events would be rare enough that I could justify a single post per incidence. Unfortunately, I've been quite inappropriate lately in several back-to-back instances, so I think it's best to condense and combine. Let's get started then!

Finger Puns and Me Too Design

I just now obtained an Apple iPad, which means I'm about 4 years behind the times regarding touchpad interfaces. Like a kid in a candy shop, I'm downloading every app I can find.

Only in this candy shop, they only serve Skittles. But they're off-brand Skittles...and tropical instead of regular flavored. These free-to-play Skittles apps are okay at first, but about 18 seconds into each of them you realize it's the same game as the last one you played. You're starving for content and a purpose!

A Brief Lesson on Flatulence

This morning my girlfriend and I are walking down a fairly empty street with the puppy. Like a barbarian, I hike up my leg and release a long, loud fart. I start chuckling as I'm quite satisfied with myself.

"I'm embarrassed for you," Beth says.

I continue this depraved conversation. I revel in my personal pride at such a well delivered colon trumpet. I have to raise my voice to so that Beth, who is quickly putting distance between us, can hear me.

"Did you hear me this morning?" I ask. "I was fartin' somethin' fierce!" Apparently, I'm now an uneducated cowboy.

I'm just so smugly satisfied at this point.

I turn around to notice that there is not only someone else on the street I thought to be deserted, but this someone, a female, an attractive female, is about 2 feet behind me.

I am now much less satisfied.

I'm such a douche.

The Magnet: Managing your Expectations of the Benefits of Dog Ownership

As a young, healthy American male I have certain expectations of the Rules and Laws of Attraction. I'm not talking about the James Van Der Beek film, just so we're clear. I think my expectations are both well founded and reasonable, and they are as follows.