The Status of Breeding in Rural Texas

My parents informed me that this past Sunday my dad's nephew and wife announced during church that she was pregnant with twins. This would typically be a time of celebration for most families, but we do not converse with these kinfolk. They are wretched, ignorant scoundrels and thieves with whom we do not care to associate. By thievery, I mean they stole everything my grandmother possessed, making her final years warm and cushiony.

A Brief Lesson on Flatulence

This morning my girlfriend and I are walking down a fairly empty street with the puppy. Like a barbarian, I hike up my leg and release a long, loud fart. I start chuckling as I'm quite satisfied with myself.

"I'm embarrassed for you," Beth says.

I continue this depraved conversation. I revel in my personal pride at such a well delivered colon trumpet. I have to raise my voice to so that Beth, who is quickly putting distance between us, can hear me.

"Did you hear me this morning?" I ask. "I was fartin' somethin' fierce!" Apparently, I'm now an uneducated cowboy.

I'm just so smugly satisfied at this point.

I turn around to notice that there is not only someone else on the street I thought to be deserted, but this someone, a female, an attractive female, is about 2 feet behind me.

I am now much less satisfied.

I'm such a douche.