April 29, 2011

Farewell, Telara

After 90 hours of playing between two classes, a level 32 Defiant Cleric and a level 16 Guardian Rogue, I've cancelled my subscription to Rift. From this statement it seems I was dissatisfied or didn't enjoy the game, which absolutely shouldn't be the takeaway.

One of the best moments in Rift. A massive titan emerged from this portal entirely unexpectedly. I had a few missions that led up to me destroying him. Still furious UI was in the shot despite me checking the box that said "Hide UI."

April 28, 2011

Joke Brainstorm: DMV Edition

As I stand in line at the DMV for the second time in 6 months (hurray DMV screw ups) I am going to write jokes.

I saw the heavy rescue fire truck scream by the other day and thought "man I hope the can rescue that fat man out of the tree."

Based on the things my "friends" write on Facebook I am fairly certain half are seriously contemplating suicide (like) and half are seeking a career as one of those inspirational speakers.

Who puts this junk out there for the world to endure? I saw a prominent member of one industry tweet, in parenthesis, "only something I would tell my best friend." Fantastic! Your mental process was "boy I want to tell Murphykins, hee hee that is what I totes call her, about how Frodo, that's our nickname for him, so secret, was not willing to make love with the lights out. But it is PRIVATE! I know! I will tell 10,000 others that I have a great topic but it is BFF info only! They will respect and appreciate my candid nature. lol!"

While stuck in the DMV line I had to listen to a mother/son combo engage in a heated conversation en espanol. My 3 years of high school Spanish have served me well. By focusing on the key words "gusta," "queso," and "Quinta" I can say with certainty that they were discussing the cheese enjoyed on Colombus' voyage. Which history now knows to be definitively Gouda.

One of them then started saying the ABCs, and I thought to praise him for his efforts, but he said them with a Honduran accent and it just made him sound stupid. So, I withheld my praise.

Why is it that I can use the Internet to buy anything, and I mean anything, find a wife, adopt a third world baby, a cute one even, catch up on my friends' latest suicide notes via Facebook, but if I want to renew a driver's license I must wait in a line for hours like a peasant in a third world breadline? Can't it be as easy as Facebook? People drive like total crap anyways so why make it difficult? Nobody likes the fat woman at the counter. We don't consider it a feature.

Men are themselves when they are alone. If you want to know what a man is really like, buy a web cam, hide it, and leave hom alone. Fair warning, there will be at least three minutes of "self-love" in every session. Just edit that out. As it is a constant the data will still be considered scientific.

But if you introduce a second man we start acting ridiculous. Take urinals for example. A man at the urinal by himself is a man at peace. We might do the thing where we pick a target and try to pee on it. We work on our positions, like the captain Morgan, one-handed, no handed (dangerous, but worth it), and if we are really feeling frisky we may fart while peeing. Which is the bacon and cheese combo of human excretion exercises.

But then add a second guy. We turn peeing into a competition because it is all we have to work with. Really it all comes down to flow. The man who can walk away from a urinal with cracked porcelain is the victor. The man next to you and growling like a feral tomcat is probably peeing harder than you. Totally not gay by the way so don't even think it. Flow is a testament to how badly you want it. If you can look the man in the eye while washing your hands with whatever cucumber scented foam the restroom has then you are the superior specimen.

The other morning around 7 am I watched a crew of tow trucks and parking meter "cops" descend on a block of parked cars like vultures. Only these vultures in particular trap Chihuahuas and pinch all six of their tiny dog nipples until they die because they grew bored with settling for carcasses. I hate parking meter cops with their street legal golf carts and their bike helmets and their devil-may-care disregard for human happiness and reason. These people make Hitler squirm, and before you call me out for comparing parking meter cops to the worst dictator-slash-mass murderer-slash-thanks for ruining the mustache for the rest of us guy in history, go look at the photos at Auschwitz and show me a single instance of parking trouble.

I dare you.

April 22, 2011

Portal 2's Light Bridges are Awesome

I think the light bridge mechanic for Portal 2 is totally awesome. Absolutely love the game so far. Beautiful, so well-paced, and hilarious. Pretty much the only puzzle game I enjoy.

Stand Up Brainstorm (4/22/2011)

I just enrolled in a stand-up comedy class with SF Comedy College. My goal is to do an open mic (which the school provides me) and do it well. To get there, I'll need to write a lot of material, practice it, refine it, and make it good. To test it and help me think through it, I'm going to put a lot of it here on my blog (for all 2.5 readers).

Comments welcome as are ideas. Just keep in mind that a lot of this won't be funny. It's a first pass, so give me a break!

The Idea
I passed a cell phone print ad this morning walking to work that was boasting that their 4g network was better than anything else. I remember a month or so ago when a 3g network was tops. Before that 2g. None of this really makes sense to me as a normal consumer. As far as I know, they are putting a bigger number in front of the letter g and charging me more.

This reminds me a lot of the arms race going on with men's razor companies. There used to be single-bladed razors. Then they added a second blade. Now I think we're up to 5 blades and aloe strip with an optional neck massager. Yet, it doesn't seem like I'm getting a better shave.

The basis for the bit is that cell phone companies are about to enter a ridiculous arm's race. I'm going to try to come up with tag lines for how they can pitch this to consumers.

The Bit (Keep in mind, more a collection of potential jokes than a quality, well-paced bit)
Every guy in here understands what it's like to shave their face. I'm sure some of the ladies do too. It's okay, I don't judge! I've always thought it was a bit unfair that women are the only ones who get the mustache tickle during schnuggles, so when I find a lady with a 'stache I go for it.

Shaving sucks! You chop yourself up with a dull blade only to find your hair adamantly growing the following day. But then the razor companies introduced the dual-bladed razor. Two blades! It was the double-barreled shotgun of razors and that made it awesome, regardless of its negligible impact on shearing our faces.

Then a third blade was added. And a fourth! Then lotion! God knows if it doesn't have lotion  you might as well kill yourself. Now we're up to sentient laser lotion, which is somewhat like the T1000 of shaving.

The one-up-manship got pretty ridiculous over razors. So I'm a little suspicious when I see the cellphone companies doing the same thing with their  wireless networks and their "gs." There's a lot of smartphone saber rattling going on, mostly because there is an app called "saber rattling."

What do more gs buy us? And where does it all stop?  I was pretty happy with 3g, but now I sorta want a fourth g. Maybe even a fifth. It's just not healthy. I think there are some great marketing tag lines to use.

85gs -- your phone will explode! This model very popular in the Middle East.

200gs -- your porn will finally "arrive" before you do!

2000gs -- the only nationwide cell network that expedites cancer growth!

4000 gs -- the only nationwide cell network that eliminates cancer and white blood cells!

10000 gs -- suck it power grid!

Thoughts? Anything jump out at you? Any potential?

April 19, 2011

Baby's First RPG

I use the term RPG INCREDIBLY loosely. I've been messing around with various conditional statements.

This is coded in C. I put the program here on Codepad.org, but the site doesn't seem to be working at the moment...


int main (void)

int life = 5;

while (life > 0)

printf("\nOrk Deals 1 Damage!");
life = life - 1;

printf("\nYou are dead!");

return 0;


April 16, 2011

Wurmin' Around

A friend and I downloaded Wurm Online and took a spin in its free server. Overall not a very fun game. It's very ugly visually and has probably the most unintuitive interface in history. It feels like layers and layers were added to deliberately make the game difficult and not fun.

After about 2 hours we were done for good. We were hoping to find an empty spot in the world, chop some trees, and begin making something. Unfortunately, the world seems incredibly settled, yet every settlement was empty. There were no wild animals to challenge us. Just mountains and water everywhere to impede movement.

The highlight of the game was when we stole a canoe called the "tarantula."

There's a quick scrapbook of our journey after the jump.