March 29, 2011

If I said your show was a total pile, would you hold it against me?

Tickets for Britney Spears' free concert went live this week and sold out in somewhere between 8 to 15 minutes. Beth and I were lucky enough to snag a pair. I must admit, despite being a whackjob pop star with a questionable amount of talent, I was psyched to see Britney Spears.

Britney Spears! Hit Me Baby One More Time! Toxic! Britney Bitch! Admit it, you know all of her songs. If you went to high school in the late 90s you know what I'm talking about. She was everywhere and she was hot.

We were excited. Then, late Saturday night at a cousin's birthday party, Beth's aunt reveals she has a friend who can get us VIP tickets. What? What! We snatched those suckers and gave our peasant tickets to a friend. Excitement turned to ecstatic. The Germans have a word for this: uberglucklich

Britney Spears. Free. VIP.

Something had to give.

We arrived at 10:30 to find the VIP line out the door and around the corner of the Bill Graham Civic Auditorium. Apparently, VIP meant "a moderately important one of thousands" and held few special privileges. In fact, we watched dozens of people show up with their hand out, only to get tickets from someone working the line.

Luckily, San Francisco's finest appeared to provide entertainment, as usual.

We made it into the venue around 11:15 or so, just in time to see Cheer SF perform for the first time. From what I can tell, Cheer SF is aging, slightly fatting people who used to be cheerleaders. They were lame and the crowd was having none of it.

After Cheer SF we were introduced to 5 drag queens. I had high hopes for this because on the surface drag queens are awesome.

How disappointing! These drag queens repeatedly promoted their drag shows, the fact that they wrote columns for magazines, but holy crap were they not entertaining. People pay them to do this? They just kept talking, and talking general didn't get funnier. Maybe they were trying to be PG for the Good Morning America cameras? If so, I cannot hold it against them too much. I'm just sad that the word "bitch" was only used once.

Finally around noon the drag queens departed and the producer for Good Morning America came out. He whipped us into a frenzy and we screamed for the first few minutes, then grew bored and exhausted.


Then, finally, dear god, Britney Spears came out and sang Hold it Against Me. Pretty awesome, though Britney doesn't pull off the onesie thing quite as well as Gaga. She's got a lot of junk in her trunk, passenger side, and front seat. Plus she doesn't really dance anymore. It involves a lot of arm waving, somewhat like a porpoise waves its flippers for a ball. And she doesn't sing...

At the end of the song the Good Morning America hosts came out, produced a few fake guffaws, and asked her a question about performing in San Francisco. "Oh my god," said Britney. "The city is so beautiful." They all left the stage and we waited for 20 minutes for the stage to be re-made, for Britney to put on another onesie, and for the hosts to come out and be fake once more.

Their teeth were so white I was temporarily blinded. It reminded me of the episode of Friends where Ross had psychotically white teeth.

This sequence of events happened 3 times. We spent an hour to see 3 songs. THREE SONGS (Hold it Against Me, Big Fat Bass, Till the World Ends) My favorite part of the entire experience was when the Good Morning America hostsasked about her new album (i.e. tell us about the songs, why you chose this sound, etc.) Britney responded "I love music. Music is my life."

What? I wasn't expecting an intelligent discourse of the events in the Middle East, but I was expecting an answer to the relatively simple question. How socially stunted is Ms. Spears?

What an over-produced pile of crap.

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