January 14, 2010

The "Broments" I Hope to Have in Army of Two: The 40th Day

EA just released Army of Two: The 40th Day, the sequel to the original Army of Two. The best part of Army of Two wasn't the excellent gun play, Unreal 3 visuals, or gun upgrades, but the moments of bromance between two dudes who just happen to be fighting bad, anti-bros together.

Army of Two isn't an action game, but a thinly veiled love story, a bold political statement hot off the heels of unjust laws like California's Proposition 8. I have high expectations for the sequel, which I started last night. It didn't take me long to come up with a short, but totally rad list of new manifestations of the bromance that I'd like to see. Or, broments if you would.

Back to Back Inverted
Going back to back was one of the more famous interactions in the first game. It's a throwback to the 80s form of action movies when two bros up against the wall back into each other for moral support and a physical resting place from which to unleash hot death on their enemies in a convenient 360 degree pattern. Like this:

It chokes me up every time. I wish Carl Weathers and Jesse Ventura had done it in Predator. Then they might have crushed the alien.

I hope EA ups the ante by having Salem and Rios go chest to chest. While deeply involved in totally heterosexual and manly embrace, they fire their machine guns over each other's shoulder. I'm pretty sure the shoulder would act to stabilize the aim as well. More importantly, like a feral wolf sniffing its pack mates, chest to chest will allow bro combatants to smell each other. Which means they can know each other.

Wing Man Maneuvers
Bros don't just go to war together. No, they often seek love together as well. I'm pretty sure while I'm rampaging through Shanghai as Salem or Rios there's a chance we're going to come across some really hot Asian chicks. Salem totally has a case of yellow fever. At least he does when I'm controlling him.

Here's the situation: We bust into a bar with swagger and huge machine guns. These two bodacious chicks we just rescued go for drinks. One of them has a tramp stamp, but it's small and just uses black ink, so she's a classy chick. She's my target, but I need my bro to run interference for me.

Much like the game's abundant ways to solve life and death combat situations in inventive cooperative ways, I want to solve this problem cooperatively. But I don't want a devil's three way or anything. We're bros, not bros.

Dude, you cannot drop us into Shanghai and not let us chase some hot Asians. I had no desire to meet babes in Rapture, but modern Shanghai? Don't leave a bro hangin' EA.

Tandem Everything
The original Army of Two had a few incredibly touching moments (literally) involving our two heroes doing tandem parachute stuff. It was totally hetero and necessary for the success of the mission.

Now, I want tandem everything.

Tandem bikes are a given. Plus, it totally fits within the fiction of Shanghai. You see dudes on bikes all the time in Shanghai. Now you get bros on bikes...with guns.

I want tandem eating between missions. I'm thinking Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene, but with chopsticks. Dim Sum perhaps? That'll make it current and cool.

Tandem sniping would also be badass. Instead of Salem and Rios independently sniping together, we'd share the rifle. Both of us would know every mechanism and every inch of that sweet smooth bore rifle. I'd pull the safety and my bro would pull the trigger. Not a sound would escape except that of our soft, synchronized breaths.

Last, but totally not least, we'd need something to appeal to girl gamers. I'm thinking tandem shopping or something. Chicks love to shop. We could order new face masks and outfits, but only once all bros agree. Then we could pay together.

Weight Lifting Mini-Games
Cardio is for girls and those escaping the zombie holocaust. Thankfully, Salem and Rios are neither. Bros are all about weight lifting and strength training, especially when it involves spotting and inspiring a fellow bro.

I want a way to bench press while my co-op partner yells soft, yet firm words of encouragement to me. Then, I want locker room antics: towel popping, love handle jabs, and cologne comparisons. I want the full package or nothing.

That pretty much summarizes everything I want with this game. The full package or nothing.

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