January 26, 2010

Unlocked from Achievement Unlocked and my Impressive e-Penis

I've been chained to my e-penis for too long and it's time I seek my freedom. But I may be getting ahead of myself. What exactly is an e-penis?

Webster's defines e-penis as the following:

noun, plural -nis⋅es, -nes  [-neez] Show IPA . Digital Anatomy, Electronic Zoology.
the male online organ of perceived copulation and, in mammals, of anonymous online verbal excretion, usually through a headset, forum, or leaderboard.
2005; < L e-pēnis tail, penis

I'll try to explain the side-effects and symptoms in laymen's terms. In the perpetual quest to increase one's e-Penis, young men have a tendency to spend money on shitty games, time on shitty games, and time doing shitty things in good games. However, like Viagra, there are also positive side effects (at times) such as being encouraged to do good things in good games. But, this is rare and should not be counted on.

I wonder why these symptoms are so pervasive in gamers? Our medium is the most expensive and the most time consuming.

If someone told me a website would give me worthless points in exchange for eating at restaurants, would I suddenly frequent filthy bistros and fast food slums to increase my Foodie Points?

I'm pretty sure I wouldn't begin rocking out to Hasselhoff if Apple told me they'd track my music listening habits and award me points for doing so. I'll do that regardless.

So why the hell am I spending 20 hours to not only complete James Cameron's Avatar: The Game once, but twice? It isn't like the game contained any blue dong! Why am I paying any amount of money for the reprehensible Eat Lead: The Return of Matt Hazard?

It's disgusting.

I'm disgusting.

I need help.

And it's not even like my e-penis is that long. Sure I'm above average, but there are many online dudes with heftier e-bulges in their e-pants.

My multi-step program will hopefully detox me of bullshit:

Step 1: Stop playing shitty games.

Step 2: Stop checking Achievements before I play. The ones I earn on my own will be just fine. I don't need to augment my experience for Achievements.

Step 3: Stop playing good games in bad ways. For example, Army of Two: The 40th Day just isn't fun on Contractor difficulty. It really sucks actually. I'll forgo those 150 points so that I actually have fun.

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