January 14, 2011

The Status of Breeding in Rural Texas

My parents informed me that this past Sunday my dad's nephew and wife announced during church that she was pregnant with twins. This would typically be a time of celebration for most families, but we do not converse with these kinfolk. They are wretched, ignorant scoundrels and thieves with whom we do not care to associate. By thievery, I mean they stole everything my grandmother possessed, making her final years warm and cushiony.

Further complicating the matter of twins is that these particular twins will be their parents' sixth and seventh children. They already have 5, each born approximately 2 years apart. They live in a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom home in a town of about 25,000 in central Texas. I live in a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom home with only a girlfriend and a corgi and I feel entirely cramped. The corgi is inordinately long and takes up a great deal of space on the bed. I simply cannot fathom 9 people in a 2 bedroom house, but then again, I have aspirations in this life of comfort. After all, if a pig loves rolling in shit, let him have his shit.

It's like Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, except here the Oompa Loompa's have moved in, lack teeth, and also share the bed with Charlie's 85 grandparents. Their five current children are perpetually sick and in ill health, perhaps because they live in the redneck variant of an Auschwitz Concentration Camp? Though instead of "Arbeit Macht Frei" (translates to "work will set you free") their front gate reads "Git 'er Done" (translates to "go forth and accomplish great things").

It is fair to say my father's nephew is an uneducated man. His degree, if you can call it that, took 6.5 years to obtain, and even then it was awarded by one of the sorriest public universities Texas cares to give accreditation. The children's father has always bragged that "he paid for his own education, and so will his kids!" A fine goal, to be sure, though college may be out of their reach. Due to the care and nurturing received by their parents, all of the children specialize in remedial classes. It's been said they are the top of their class, much like I was the fastest cross country runner over 200 pounds in high school.

Napoleon Bonaparte said "An army marches on its stomach." His logistical genius is what allowed him to raise armies of unprecedented number and savage Europe for decades. Similar logistical challenges now confront my father's nephew and wife. How will 9 people fit into a decade old Honda Mini-Van? Where will 9 people sleep? How will they eat on their father's incredible salary? It's a puzzle that I find delightfully difficult to solve.

As a side note, I'm sure they would benefit handsomely from the same Obamacare their Republican values are working so fervently to reverse.

Congratulations you filthy hicks! You have proven to all your virility, common sense, and bring every average tumbling downwards for this new century.

Get 'er done!

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